Geldoff spills the beans on … Geldoff

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I guess you’re wondering how I become an international equine blogger.

It’s a freakishly busy life being a horse. You humans have no idea. Sometimes I wonder where we find the time to fit humans into our daily lives. I guess that’s just one of the burdens we bear.

The other day I was grazing my paddock when the gal who feeds me wandered up.

“Geldoff,” she said, “You’re the most opinionated horse I know. I want you to write a blog.”

What could I say?

My first thought was, “Where’s my freakin’ dinner”, but then I realised I needed to show real equine maturity. Negotiate, I thought.

“I’ll write a blog,” I replied, “but it will cost you a great deal of food.”

You humans mess about with currencies and exchange rates and so on, but horses have a single international currency: food. British horses call it nosh, Down Under it’s known as tucker and American equines call it chow.

Anyway, let’s just say I negotiated a six-figure food-like sum and here I am:  Geldoff the blogger.

I guess I should tell you fillies out there a little more about me.

I stand 16.2 hands in stocking feet and was once well on the way to a distinguished career as a jumper.

I thought I was freakin’ amazing but an old war wound cut my career short and I went on the speaking circuit.

I know there will be media types out there who will be digging the dirt, so  I’m going to fess up now.

Yes, I have featured in several magazine centrespreads (Horse & Pony), but it was all in the best possible taste.

I had a glittering movie career (Willow) but was shampooing my hair when they were filming Lord of the Rings, so I never made the audition call.

Actually, I had considered auditioning for the role of Gandalf, but I  thought the pointy hat looked ridiculous. I have even featured in a fashion spread.

There’s one thing that any horse will tell you: the world is full of premium A-grade nimrods, only a handful of which are horses.

And Geldoff was put on this earth to tell you about them.

xx

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