I guess you’re wondering how I become an international equine blogger.
It’s a freakishly busy life being a horse. You humans have no idea. Sometimes I wonder where we find the time to fit humans into our daily lives. I guess that’s just one of the burdens we bear.
The other day I was grazing my paddock when the gal who feeds me wandered up.
“Geldoff,” she said, “You’re the most opinionated horse I know. I want you to write a blog.”
What could I say?
My first thought was, “Where’s my freakin’ dinner”, but then I realised I needed to show real equine maturity. Negotiate, I thought.
“I’ll write a blog,” I replied, “but it will cost you a great deal of food.”
You humans mess about with currencies and exchange rates and so on, but horses have a single international currency: food. British horses call it nosh, Down Under it’s known as tucker and American equines call it chow.
Anyway, let’s just say I negotiated a six-figure food-like sum and here I am: Geldoff the blogger.
I guess I should tell you fillies out there a little more about me.
I stand 16.2 hands in stocking feet and was once well on the way to a distinguished career as a jumper.
I thought I was freakin’ amazing but an old war wound cut my career short and I went on the speaking circuit.
I know there will be media types out there who will be digging the dirt, so I’m going to fess up now.
Yes, I have featured in several magazine centrespreads (Horse & Pony), but it was all in the best possible taste.
I had a glittering movie career (Willow) but was shampooing my hair when they were filming Lord of the Rings, so I never made the audition call.
Actually, I had considered auditioning for the role of Gandalf, but I thought the pointy hat looked ridiculous. I have even featured in a fashion spread.
There’s one thing that any horse will tell you: the world is full of premium A-grade nimrods, only a handful of which are horses.
And Geldoff was put on this earth to tell you about them.